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Describe Your Home Country Like Your Ex-boyfriend

It was a pure coincidence––me finding out about this thread on a Facebook group of women here in Hanoi. It cracked the hell out of me. I asked permission to collate some of them here for a wider audience. Feel free to add some in the comment box!

The United States

America is like a big fat man. He sits on you and it feels safe and warm, but he farts a lot and takes all the food for himself. Plus he has ten guns and is super racist.– H Nobles


Australia is like an adult man with undiagnosed manic depression, the good times are picture perfect and lovely and then the depression hits and there’s not enough water and too much fire and the lights are on but no one is home and so it feels kinda empty–E Beth


Peru takes you out for a nice ceviche lunch near the coast, introduces you to his parents and then takes off the condom while you are distracted during sex. You contract chlamydia and die.–C Garcia


Spain is a sexy charming guy who will take you around, make you laugh and have incredible sex, but at the end of the day it’s not good for a long term relationship because he is not responsible , he is broke and he doesn’t care about it!!––J O

The Philippines

The Philippines is like a very attractive romantic who loves doing grand gestures, likes sunset walks on tropical beaches and cooks well but doesn’t boast about it. He’s also a middle-aged man who still lives with his mother, always in between jobs, is addicted to social media, votes for sports stars as senators and is obsessed with basketball but is not very good at it.––I Gerona

South Africa

South Africa can sometimes be like being in an abusive relationship with a guy that’s totally fronting. You often refer to the good old days with him, now that you’ve broken up, you really miss him and the good times but deep down there’s a feeling of fear. 

He dazzles you with epic landscapes, long walks on the most incredible beaches, takes you on magnificent Bush getaways where you can hardly believe the animals you come into contact with and when things are good, they are absolutely thriving! 

He has lots of happy family members and friends who welcome you in their home. You go to a braai and they seemingly they enjoy your company. However, secretly they don’t approve of your cultural background or ethnicity though. In fact, they often post things about “your kind” on social media. 

Things are going well. Then, out of nowhere, he turns on you with extremely unexpected violence. You get racial slurs thrown at you. Even your family gets dragged into it. He robs you blind and even empties your bank account. Smashes your car windows. Steals your phone. Leaves you for dead. 

Then, just as you think you want to leave him, he does some grand gesture that makes you think: #I‘mStaying.––B V Z


México: too much tequila shots and guns. Big mostacho Macho with a small dick. A violent dwarf with a romantic as fuck heart. Passionate and imbecile, he will cheat on you with his neighbors from the North.––T G Z  


 England likes to think he’s super liberal and woke but scratch the surface and underneath he’s hiding a superiority complex and deep rooted prejudice. Tells everyone that all the girls love him and he has “specials relationships” with a few cos of his massive penis but actually they’re all just laughing behind his back at his teeny tiny cock.––S Sarah


China is a much older, cultured man but a bit of a control freak. You can go to a party as long as it’s his. He’s wealthy and will share with all of his friends, but only if he gets something in return. He wants to get married young. If you turn 25 and still not married, you are a leftover woman. He’s really interested in having kids but only if it’s a boy. Right now he’s been dealing with some health issues but he assures you that it isn’t serious.––D T

The Netherlands

The Netherlands is an OCD nerd that does everything according protocol, loves to fill out complaint forms and gets anal about the little stuff but goes nuts on the weekends at illegal warehouse raves?––T T


Ireland is an alcoholic with serious mammy issues and a fondness for anything potato related 😂 his kryptonite is sunshine…watch how it quickly turns him into a piece of crispy bacon and soon he goes up in flames 😂- A Hurley


France is the romantic kind. He makes you feel sexy and good and happy but really is already thinking about the next girl he’s gonna be sleeping with. He won’t stop complaining and talking about his messed up childhood. Also he drinks wine at breakfast––V M


Belgium seems like the most chilled laidback guy who likes to drink beers and stuff his face with fries, then 3 years in you hear he has been handeling most of the supply for ISIS terrorists and has had kids in his basement this whole time. 


Scotland gorgeous but a bit rough around the edges and he calls a spade a spade. Yes, he’s got a wee bit of a drink problem and he likes to wear a skirt on special occasions, but so what? He’s fun to be around, and you always know exactly where you stand.


Switzerland is a very serious and up-tight sugar daddy, who’s rich but stingy. Even when he tries to loosen and open up around other nationalities, it doesn’t take long for him to find something to complain or be small-minded about. Also he’s very good with money and secretly jerks off on how rich he is. In good times he feeds you the best cheese and chocolate with the latest, fanciest Rolex decorating his wrist. Of course you won’t get one for Christmas yourself because yeah, he’ll never looses sight of costs and also you STILL haven’t worked hard enough to earn it. He can show you the top of the world, endless mountains, peacefulness (where there are no people) but will never share his cheese recipe with you.––F N K

Jona of Backpacking with a Book

Hi there, I’m Jona, originally from Cebu, Philippines, had live in Hanoi, Vietnam, and now currently based in Munich, Germany. This blog used to house thoughts on life and books, but eventually it morphed into a travel blog. For collaborations, projects, and other things, please email me at For essays, creative nonfiction, and others, find me elsewhere.

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